The Missions: Commence
by Kyetge
Summary: This was more fun to write than it was to review.Plot undecided.Likely'll be ShikaHina or LeeOC,but help me out anyway... XP Tsunade has vanished.Jiraiya acts as sub-Hokage,gets drunk and pays for his own freaky amusement at the expense of some ninjas..


Disclaimer: You must be fucking stupid if you are suing me for "stealing" Kishimoto's ideas.

The Missions

Commence

Dusk had fallen within the borders of Griffith Park, California. The setting sun, more than half-gone already, created an amazing palette among the landscape and the wintry sky, adding to the already beautiful forest. Not a sound could be heard without straining one's ears, except for some small streams here and there and the occasional chirrup of a cricket. It was the perfect place to be at if you wanted peace and tranquility…

"YAAAAAGHH!!!" an earsplitting shriek pierced the air, causing hundreds of rudely awakened birds to explode into the air from their night perches. Early-rising nocturnal creatures, such as raccoons, froze in the process of coming out from their resting-places. In fact, the very earth seemed to flinch in astonishment and alarm.

The person who screamed was a young ninja knuckleheaded ninja, Naruto. _So yeah_, you'd think. _'Course, he'd scream for everything because __we all know he's an idiot_. But if you were in _his_ situation, I'd doubt you wouldn't protest the very idea of it.

"How did I get here...?" he wondered. He remembered going to sleep and waking up here. He began to notice things.

One thing he noticed was that he wasn't exactly in the most civilized place he _could_ be.

Another thing he noticed was that he was hungry, and cold.

The last thing, which he only noticed after wondering why he was hungry _and_ cold (which took some time) was that his clothes were gone. All of them. Not even his ninja band remained, and worse, his kunai bag wasn't anywhere near him. He forced his eyes to look down. Yes, he confirmed once again, he was…**butt naked**.

He'd almost screamed right then and there, but the wonderful voice in his head called Maybe persuaded him to look around the area before any sound came out of his mouth. Surely he'd at least find some underwear or something…

The first bush he circled had nothing. He checked some trees in front of him next. The silence of wild nature scared him, and he felt like he was being watched; he swore something had moved behind him…then finally, an idea struck him. He'd ask his demon how the hell he got here!

"Oi, Kyuubi! I want answers, and I want 'em NOW!" he said aloud, poking his expectantly grumbling stomach, right on the seal. Silence ensued.

Just waiting there made him nervous, and he was quite convinced that the stupid fox was playing games with him just to make him angry.

"Damn Kyuubi… stupid fox…" he muttered, and resumed poking and prodding the seal, harder this time. "Ow. Ow. Ow…aghh…ow…ow. Ow. Ow-"

"_Stop that immediately, you stupid boy!_" a voice snarled in his head. It was so loud it made his ears ring, as if the demon fox was actually next to him.

"Answer my question first! How the hell did I get-"

"_I heard you the first time when you thought it, so shut up and __listen to me. I shall__ just start from the beginning. The Fifth Hokage has disappeared, practically off the face of the planet- technically, our original universe-"_

"We're in another universe??? I was in a different one to begin with?! I'm confused! And what's so different about this one? Other than my clothes are totally gone…" whined Naruto. "I'm hungry and cold! I want ramen! I hate you! I hate this place! Why am I here? I want my clothes back! I want ramen!"

"_I told you to shut your mouth, you insolent weakling!"_ Kyuubi didn't want to go through another of Naruto's rants; they were pointless, repetitive, and very effective time-wasters. "_As I was saying, the disappearance of the Fifth has triggered panic in the masses of Konoha. For some reason, she left Jiraiya in charge, which means something is seriously wrong. Anyway, he got drunk-"_

"Yeah, yeah, he did this weird jutsu or whatever and now I'm _stuck here with no food around._ How do you think that feels?! Stupid Kyuubi!" his stomach grumbled louder to make a point.

"_You're not alone, you know. You were assigned to a team. I am uncertain about the mission's objective as of yet, but Shikamaru Nara and Lee Rock should be around here. I believe a Hyuuga was also in your group."_

Naruto ignored the last part. "Are- are they naked too?!" he asked in a panicked voice. He imagined Fuzzy-brows coming out from behind a tree in a Nice-Guy Pose as usual. Except that he had no clothes on. His mind's eye slowly traveled down…

"AAAAAAAAH!" MY EYES!!!!!!!!"

"_Go fifty feet to your right and you'll find Shikamaru. If you prefer survival listen to what I say."_ Kyuubi butted in a little too late.

_"_Hah, you didn't say I had to _do_ what you say." Naruto replied stubbornly.

"_So you want to die instead?"_

"Yes! I mean, no. I mean, it doesn't matter because I'm too young to die, so it doesn't apply to me!"

"Naruto." A voice said, very close to him. The blonde ninja snapped out of his mental conversation and cringed, then jumped back. He'd actually been half-jogging, half-walking the whole time to Kyuubi's directions! (_LOL_, chuckled Kyuubi.)

"Shikamaru! That was you, wasn't it?" Naruto looked around but didn't see him. "Where are you?"

"Over here. Not that I'm sure you _want_ to see me, the state I'm in. But I really don't care." He drawled from the other side of the small boulder Naruto was leaning against.

"Where's Fuzzy-brows? Kyuubi told me he's supposed to be here."

"I'm hoping he's face down when you drag him across that muddy little stream." Shikamaru pointed vaguely in the direction he apparently came from.

"Whadda youmean, _I_ drag him across?! Sounds like you just left him there for somebody _else_ to move, huh? Well,-"

"Not it."

"-Huh? Oh, come _on_!" Naruto was exasperated. This wasn't the way a team was supposed to work! Shikamaru didn't care, Lee was sleeping, and he was the most stressed-out of the group, in his opinion.

_"Just go get him, boy,_" advised Kyuubi. Clearly, he was very amused.

Naruto exclaimed in disgust, but then gave in. He heard Shikamaru chuckle.

When he gingerly waded across the opaque waters (it was horrible; icky algae clung to the sides and he swore he saw this huge snake thing hiding in the shadows), he looked around for Lee, hoping Shikamaru wasn't in the mood for playing pranks. Well, he did see Fuzzy-brows, and he was facedown (thank goodness!). But then Naruto received a surprise when he attempted to take hold of him by the armpits. Lee woke up, his owlish eyes taking a fierce expression. The next second, Naruto had been pinned down rather brusquely by the extremely fast tai-jutsu user (since his leg weights were gone).

Naruto eeked, which made Lee actually focus on who he had caught. Apologizing profusely as he leaped off, he came to the same conclusion Naruto had, except that with someone else there it was very embarrassing. Naruto had his eyes closed shut, as a safety precaution.

"This is awkward," the blonde teen pointed out unnecessarily, which only added to the unease.

"Naruto-kun," Lee spoke up after a while. "Where is Shikamaru?"

"There." Naruto pointed over the stream. They could see Shikamaru's spiky ponytail protruding out from behind the huge rock. Neither of them moved.

"Well, are you coming or not?" Naruto declared. He put his right foot into the murky rivulet and almost lost his balance because he stepped on the slippery algae. "Stupid algae," he grumbled. _'I bet I looked so stupid__…u__g__h… Fuzzy-brows…__where'd he go?'_ he looked around him.

"Naruto-kun! Over here!" Naruto turned to his left in time to see the ebony-haired teen clear half the stream in one bound. In a cat-like pose, Lee landed on a flat rock deeply embedded into the stream bed, then waved Naruto over. "Of course," he muttered to himself. "I should have thought of that. I got myself wet for nothing!"

He began running along the part of the stream where it only came up to his knees to increase his momentum; however, something... _alive_ wiggled under his foot at the precise moment in which he was to jump. All he felt was the frigid water surging around his legs, the texture of eroding soil, and then a strange creature was suddenly writhing under his foot. Basically it ruined his jump, and he ended up hurdling head-first onto the rock.

"OWWWW! That fuckin' HURTS!" In his agony, the poor guy keeled too much to the side and wound up in water over his head, and with no clothes on it was very cold. Snapping open his eyes, he fought off the shock and the current and willed his way to the surface. An extra burst of chakra helped him resurface successfully.

"Shit…" Naruto rubbed his head, where a knot had already risen. "No, no, don't help me! I'm fine. I'm okay…" he waved a concerned Lee away with his other hand. "I don't even want to see you, so don't come close to me!"he added, wishing he'd only thought it. But oh well.

"What is that supposed to mean?" Lee frowned. He backed away slowly due to the dangerous growling emitted from Naruto, a sign similar to a ticking bomb. Then that bomb exploded.

"YOU'RE UGLY! THAT'S WHAT! YOUR FACE IS UGLY AND I BET SO IS THE REST OF YOU!" the furious blonde ninja roared. "FUZZY-BROWS, SAKURA'S MINE AND YOU KNOW IT! SHE HATES YOU SO DON'T FLIRT WITH HER!"

"That is not the point-"

"YOUR SENSEI ISN'T COOL! HE LIES TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER! I THINK HE'S GAY!"

"What?!" the last remark really got to Lee.

"YOUR MOM!" Naruto was really pissed off now, which meant his remarks had no relevance to anything.

They both made their way in silence to Shikamaru's location… where he'd already fallen asleep. Somehow, a vast comfortable-looking blanket had drifted out of the sky and landed directly on his limp, apathetic body.

"What the hell?! Where'd that blanket thing come from? I swear it just came out of the sky! OMFG! There's another one! And another one! And they're… is this some kind of Genjutsu? Or maybe it's raining blankets…yeah!" Naruto smiled

Lee ignored Naruto's ramblings and leaped into the air to grab one for his slightly shivering self. Inner Lee's eyes welled up with tears. Surely Lee hadn't abandoned his green spandex for this ugly, mud-brown cloth? Well, it would have to do for the group. But there was something off… he couldn't quite put his finger on it for some reason…and then it hit him.

Why were there _four_ blankets?

"Naruto, I think there is someone else out here…"

"Huh?" The blonde had betrayed his thoughts and was now rolling in the blanket closest to him.

"There are four blankets. Shouldn't there be four of us?"

"I don't really care. They, whoever they are, should have approached us by now. Since we're not naked or anything." Naruto and Lee started slightly, and then turned towards Shikamaru who had been awake all along. "They could have distracted us to create an opportunity to grab the extra. But they haven't… which most likely means that something bad has happened to them,... they're too far away,... or… they're female."

"What?!" Lee and Naruto exclaimed in unison.

"That is the last thing we need right now… a _girl_!" scoffed Naruto. "Giggling at nothing, whining about everything, generally being a bitch… aw, I thought this mission was gonna be _easy_!" _Ooh, Sakura-chan naked 3 …_thought Naruto.

"Why the hell'd you accept these missions then, baka?" was Shikamaru's response. "They _were_ optional.We just have to… cope, or whatever that word was."

"But…there is still a possibility that the fourth member of our team is male, correct? " Lee pleaded. "Or that they've been killed, or that there wasn't even a fourth member assigned to us?"

"Hnnn…" Shikamaru rolled over. Clearly he'd said too many words at a time and now his energy was drained. What he'd actually done was quickly scan their surroundings again. He thought he saw something but decided to force sleep upon himself again.

Not far away from the trio of young ninjas, a very cold, shy, and apprehensive indigo-haired girl hid herself behind a clump of trees.

,,..------..,,,,..------..,,,,..------..,,,,..------..,,,,..------..,,,,..------..,,,,..------..,,,,..------..,,...Pretty Breaker 3

Me: Look, I know a magic trick... -clears throat while pointing at you- Review...NOW!

You: -stare-

Me: Okay, how about... _now_!

You: -stare-

Me: NOWWWWWWWW!

You: -stare- ... -slight cough-

Me: Dammit, it's not fucking _working_! -jumps up and down-

You: Alright, calm down. Chillax. Take a deep breath. I will review and do my best to help improve your pitiful musings. Uh, respectfully. -bright smile- That sound okay?

Me: Yey! v3v


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